I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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