I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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