i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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