I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
