I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
