I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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