after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
