just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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