Do you still have your period?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize