just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
