dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
