I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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