If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Randomize
