8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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