I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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