How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
