I met the friendliest cop last night
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
