cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
