i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
