In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
