youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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