If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
