I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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