mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
