Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
