So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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