It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
