dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
