I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
