i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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