i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize