If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
