I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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