wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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