if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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