1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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