I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
