I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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