Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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