Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I need a beard to bite.
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