How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
