quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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