Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
