Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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