I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
