Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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