apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
