Are we in a gay sports bar?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
