Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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