organizing the empties. That sober.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
