Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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