So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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