Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize