I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize