are you still at the devil's house?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
