I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
