Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
