i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I party with great urgency now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
