totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
