This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
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