I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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