i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
