The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
