Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
