I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
